another disappointment...

i been holding on to this disappointment feeling since yesterday. i thought i would feel ok and it will just blew away like the wind.

i was so confident that i will get the job through inter-dept transfer because i have the extra skill that i felt the rest is lacking. i been preparing mentally to accept the extra workload, the new responsibility. i was prepared because i was that confident. but i was wrong.

i wonder what i lacked that they felt i would not be a contributor to the dept. sigh. i even psyched myself not to stress about not getting the job. if its meant to be, its meant to be. nonetheless, when i read the email, i felt crushed.

i was so piss yesterday after reading the email. yeah i was piss for a good 30 minutes that the devil in me came out. yeah i was jealous. i had to calm my ass, thank gawd i was attending a whole day course, i don't have to fake happiness. gaaawwwdddddddd am i such a bad person??!!

on the way home, i told myself maybe this is for the better. for we can only plan, its the big guy upstairs that give the final push. i decided that this will be another BLESSING IN DISGUISE. for what we think is good for us, may not be good in his eyes.

with that thought in mind, i breathe, release, let go.

this much i know, i'm a much better worker than one of the *successful* candidates. so be it, it's their lost...

breathe, exhale, breathe, let go...

Pieces...

coming to work on monday morning, glancing through my work email is one news i least expected to receive.

right now, my heart is broken to pieces for i'm losing the one person i truly cares and love for. i felt like my oxygen supplied has been cut off. the one part of me that i hold close and dear to my heart is gone.

i'm not being dramatic, for the tears i'm holding back is threatening to flow down my face and all i could think of is why...

oh gawd my heart ache..

Letting Go..

sometime in life we have to let go of things...

right now, i have to let go of people. people that at one point are close to me and means something for we shared moment of happiness/sadness/stupidity .. etc.

its hard... i'm hoping that we could still try and amend the wrong we did. the strain and slow death of friendship is not worth hanging on too.

i don't want it if its only one side clapping. i'm slowly letting go of this toxic friends that at one point in my life i called family.

i can't help but feel such sadness in my heart.

=:O(

I had a scare...

i had a sudden sharp pain on my right side that i had to stop from walking for about five minutes and wait till it the pain subsides. a couple of hours later, it came back with a vengeance. the pain moves from the right side of my tummy to the left and it became so bloated and discomfort that i can't lie on my back or side cuz of the pain. i can't even burp or fart!!

mom starts rubbing hot ointment hoping that it will help to reduce the discomfort but not much. the next morning i went to see the GP and he immediately sent me to hospital A & E for further check up. he suspected that it could be gall stone. after having blood, urine, xray test done on me, it seems all my vital organs is fine!! the only conclusion is a major muscle spasm. since the xray do not show any sign of gall stone, i was not admitted to the hospital but was given 3 days rest at home plus tonnes of relaxer and pain killers. i do have to come back for check on friday. but what bothers me right now is the pain or should i say discomfort comes and goes and i'm not sure if its muscle spasm cuz the relaxer is not really working.

guess i will have to bring this up when i see the doc again.

i have to admit, i was scared. i don't like hospital and i hate waiting for test results. i can't afford to be sick cuz i have no one else to look after mom.

i'm making an effort to watch what i eat........ sigh... but its soooooooooo hard.. i love food too much!!!

Tick tick tick...

1hr more to go.

Ohhh gawd give me the strength for I'm falling asleep at my desk.

let me go to youtube and search U2 -desire to give me some vibe till 6pm.

online connection...

maybe its good that i don't feel the need to sign on to friendster, hifi, myspace, facebook and what have you. my colleagues kept asking me if i have facebook. i'm like.. duh i see you at work i don't have the desire to see you online. i have this and my photo blog and even that i can't make a daily rituals.

maybe i don't feel the need to always be connected to folks i don't know. or folks that i have no desire to connect with from my past or present. i also don't like the idea that your current or future employee can google you online. nah uhhh.. nooo....

and i don't understand the desire for folks to tweet. do i really need to know if you're sitting on your potty doing the number 2?!! hayleeeeee naww...

and lately i notice you can update your status in hotmail, and folks actually bothers to do just that. i read an article those who updated their status every so often is an attention seekers... sigh....

guess that's not going to happen to me..